can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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