Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
