I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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