dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Randomize
