I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
