Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
