Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
