grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
