my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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