You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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