I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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