She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
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Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
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Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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