Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
