You're a womanizer and a bitch.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
