whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
