if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I FOUND THE LEGS
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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