Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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