Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
