I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
