Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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