So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
