Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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