My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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