While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
even my farts smell like vagina
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
