I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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