P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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