I can text with my tongue
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
fuck your aforementioned shoe
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
