I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
