I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
