Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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