dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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