It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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