You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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