Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
