There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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