apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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