R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
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So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
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I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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