Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
