how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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