When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
