p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
