cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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