James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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