Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
