hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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