seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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