Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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