Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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