can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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