he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
