They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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