good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
