all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
