my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
