it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.